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Perpetual: Reads | Difficult Conversations

Our series of book recommendations to empower talent and fuel brands.

Difficult Conversations

Why Perpetual recommends it

Difficult Conversations, from the Harvard Negotiation Project’s Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen, breaks down why hard conversations are hard: underneath the surface disagreement, there are almost always three separate conversations happening at once, about what happened, about feelings, and about identity.

The authors are especially useful on the ‘what happened’ conversation, showing how most conflicts aren’t really about who’s right, they’re about two people operating from different, often reasonable, stories about the same event, each missing information the other has.

The book also tackles the identity conversation, the quiet internal question of what a difficult exchange means about you, am I competent, am I a good person, which often drives far more of the emotional heat in a conversation than the actual issue being discussed.

We recommend this book constantly in our leadership and team development work because so many workplace conflicts escalate not from the original issue, but from each side defending an identity they feel is under threat rather than addressing what actually happened.

  • Every difficult conversation contains three conversations: what happened, feelings, and identity
  • Most disagreements stem from incomplete information, not bad intent
  • Identity threat, not the surface issue, often drives the strongest emotional reactions
  • Curiosity about the other person’s story de-escalates faster than defending your own

Before your next hard conversation, write down the story you’re telling yourself about the other person’s intent, then ask what information you might be missing that could change that story.

We give this book four and a half out of five stars.

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